I have been living in ‘merica for 44 days now. In that time I have had numerous conversations with the native inhabitants.
Bartender: Hey, is that accent from Scotland? Me: Yes, yes it is. Bartender: Is it true that they make all of the Scotch there?
Me: Yes that is true. We also invented telephones and television.
Bartender: Oh yah, wasn’t it that guy … Abraham something?
Me: Yes. Abraham Lincoln was also Scottish. We invented sideburns too.
On the face of it the bartender’s question sounds ridiculous (the one about Scotch I mean, the thing about Abraham Lincoln inventing the television is just flat-out insane), but she does actually raise an interesting point. The Scotch Whisky Regulations 2009 statute decreed that everything labeled as ‘Scotch Whisky’ must be distilled and matured in Scotland. Similar product protection measures are seen in the cases of Melton Mowbray pork pies and Roquefort cheese – only pork pies made in the town of Melton Mowbray can be dubbed Melton Mowbray pork pies, and the same is true of Roquefort cheese (both are afforded Protected Geographical Status under European Union law). So, in theory, they do make all of the Scotch in Scotland.
The problem seems to be that Scotch is something of a generic term, so the purity of the word itself is diluted somewhat by the average punter incorrectly referring to every whisky as a Scotch. For many people (myself included until I googled the s**t out of this thing) the terms ‘Scotch’ and ‘whisky’ are interchangeable – what you ask for at the bar depends on which you feel more able to wrap your tongue around after six pints. There are also problems when trying to impose sanctions like the Scotch Whisky Regulations and the Protected Geographical Status laws, as not every whisky drinking country recognises these rulings. It was only this year that India formally recognised Scotch Whisky as a product solely made in Scotland – meaning that, prior to this move, it would be possible to label domestic products as Scotch.
So, if the bottle says it’s from Bengal, you’re drinking the wrong stuff.
***
My wife: This is my husband, he just got here from Scotland. Verizon employee: (gives my wife a pitying look before turning to me. She speaks in a loud, slow voice and tilts her head to the side as if she is speaking to a small child or well-trained animal) WELCOME … TO … AMERICA … OKAY?
Similarly, while sounding ridiculous at first, the Verizon employee raises an interesting issue because Scotland does have its own native language – Scottish Gaelic. But the number of Gaelic speakers in Scotland is small, with the Scottish government reporting in 2005 that only around one percent of the population professes to have “some Gaelic ability”. The rest of us just speak English as best we can.
***
Random man: I know that accent! Which part of Ireland are you from?
I’m often asked this question. Even when I’m dressed the most Scottish way possible (as I was on my wedding day).
Looking very Irish here.
Waiter: Hey man, I like your kilt. Which part of Ireland are you from?
Me: I’m actually from Scotland.
Waiter: (speaking in an American accent) Me too! My last name is Hendry!
Me: (trying to work out why, when he’s supposedly Scottish, he thought I was Irish)
Oh, Hendry. Like the Scottish snooker player Stephen Hendry.
Waiter: Wow man! You said it right. Everyone here says “Henry”. Awesome!
Me: Oh, thanks.
This scenario repeated itself not ten minutes later.
Man in toilet: Hey man, which part of Ireland are you from?
Me: Are you taking the piss?
Man in toilet: Yeah, I’m in here to take a piss. Say, did they hire you to come here and play the pipes or something?
Me: No, no, I’m from Scotland. This is just what I’m wearing.
Man in toilet: (looking confused) They hired you from Scotland?
Me: (trying not to look at man in toilet’s cock, which he has unfurled during the course of the conversation) Um, no. I’m the groom. This is my wedding.
Man in toilet: It is! Awesome! Come to the bar, let’s do a shot!
Irish people do wear kilts, that much is true, so for two people in quick succession to assume that I was Irish isn’t brain-rattlingly strange, I suppose. But it is a little bit odd all the same as the kilt is – along with whisky, ginger hair and Mel Gibson’s grimacing face in Braveheart – synonymous with Scottish culture. Indeed, kilted Irishmen are a relatively recent phenomenon, with the garment adopted by nationalists at the turn of the 20th century as a symbol of Celtic identity (perhaps somewhat misguidedly so, as the kilt is likely to have derived from clothing worn by early Norse settlers).
***
Friend: (ushering me towards a large man that I have never seen before) This is Larry.
Me: (addressing the large man) Hello Larry. Nice to meet you.
Large man: (in a voice as loud as the big bang) OUTSTANDING!
Is this normal?
***
This definitely can’t be normal.
livin' in 'merica 